I can’t put this all into words. I’ve been wanting to write but not complain, wanting to speak but not in vain. Oh the hypocrisy.
Post graduate life. I think it’s actually interesting. Transitioning from college which is a bubble mix of comraderie, education and learning as well as absolute debauchery to the real world where there is no escape. You can’t get away. Like it’s here and it’s here to stay, you can’t go home for the weekend once you graduate, there’s no hiding. And so far it’s been a tug of war between letting go of that absurdity and trying to do real people activities. It’s an awkward time too. At least for myself, so many things are in the works, new place, new people, new work, new dog, new car. So many things are in the works but nothing has a definite time of arrival which for my OCD and impatience, drives me crazy. The only two words I can think of to describe this period is limbo or purgatory. Just suffering it out not knowing what’s gonna happen or when it’s gonna happen.
The only way to describe right now is that sort of fake smile that tightens up the ends of your mouth but is always given away by your eyes. The “I’m just doing this so I don’t get fined” sort of smile. It’s not sincere, not happy but not sad. Its sort of just okay. Something is missing, wracking your brain and keeping you up at night (clearly, @ 12:30am).
Like a sound reverberating in your head – quotes of einstein saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results” has me thinking I’m insane. So I’m shaking things up and hoping for the best. Scared money doesn’t make money right?
It’s been an interesting few months – very Hank Moodyesque to say the least. Spontaneous, unlucky and lacking conclusion, leaving you where you started with what you already knew. Not letting you go forward because of a past that still has you dreaming, a past that you took for granted. But oh well, time heals all? So to avoid insanity, shake it up. New beginnings with a nostalgia for the past and another chance to right wrongs. Completely ass backwards.
Stream of consciousness.
Cheers & buona notte