Limbo – how low can you go?

I can’t put this all into words. I’ve been wanting to write but not complain, wanting to speak but not in vain. Oh the hypocrisy.

Post graduate life. I think it’s actually interesting. Transitioning from college which is a bubble mix of comraderie, education and learning as well as absolute debauchery to the real world where there is no escape. You can’t get away. Like it’s here and it’s here to stay, you can’t go home for the weekend once you graduate, there’s no hiding. And so far it’s been a tug of war between letting go of that absurdity and trying to do real people activities. It’s an awkward time too. At least for myself, so many things are in the works, new place, new people, new work, new dog, new car. So many things are in the works but nothing has a definite time of arrival which for my OCD and impatience, drives me crazy. The only two words I can think of to describe this period is limbo or purgatory. Just suffering it out not knowing what’s gonna happen or when it’s gonna happen.

The only way to describe right now is that sort of fake smile that tightens up the ends of your mouth but is always given away by your eyes. The “I’m just doing this so I don’t get fined” sort of smile. It’s not sincere, not happy but not sad. Its sort of just okay. Something is missing, wracking your brain and keeping you up at night (clearly, @ 12:30am). 

Like a sound reverberating in your head – quotes of einstein saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results” has me thinking I’m insane. So I’m shaking things up and hoping for the best. Scared money doesn’t make money right? 

It’s been an interesting few months – very Hank Moodyesque to say the least. Spontaneous, unlucky and lacking conclusion, leaving you where you started with what you already knew. Not letting you go forward because of a past that still has you dreaming, a past that you took for granted. But oh well, time heals all? So to avoid insanity, shake it up. New beginnings with a nostalgia for the past and another chance to right wrongs. Completely ass backwards.

Stream of consciousness.

Cheers & buona notte

Chapter 7

Hey, it’s been a while. It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to, so just be thankful I wanted to.

You always hear, you love and you lose. You love and you lost, and you love and you learn. For many, they never lose. For others, the loss is a tattoo and others a memory they cant remember. 

But when you love and you lose. You don’t learn. You lost what you love and love does not reproduce. There is only so much to go around, only so much to use. You spend so much time looking for what you lost that you forget what your looking for or even how to use your heart. You get lost in what you think you’ve found. But then you feel something that reminds you of the real — the lost — and you jump in for the hunt. You jump in for more.

You don’t care if it’s a one way street. You’d rather dance to no music just to move your feet. Because there’s something that got the old clock ticking. Unfortunately though the earth did not stop spinning. 

There are many things in life one may regret but don’t let love or the chance of it be it.

Find what you love and let it kill you.

M

All good things must come to an end…

The world is a book and those who do not travel only read one page.
Saint Augustine

A semester abroad…..4 months, 18 weeks, 126 days and a million moments I will never forget.

My Facebook status 4 hours before leaving Florence:
As I spend my last few hours in Florence, I realize how cliche this all is; how students come here step out of their comfort zones, live and fall in love with this city. However, I know one thing and that is that these buildings may or may not last a thousand more years, but the memories and friendships that I’ve made will. Thank you everyone and fly safe. Keep in touch and expect a visit from yours truly. 

I didn’t think this status was that good. But as the likes accumulated and comments came I guess it was pretty good. These last few months have been more than extraordinary. The people I met and the sites I saw will forever be ingrained into my mind. The utter grandeur and amazing people I met will walk with me for a long time if not forever. Going abroad is such a temporary “thing” with such a lifelong impact. It’s kind of crazy. My status in retrospect is perfect in explaining it. Living in a foreign or at least my case, barely foreign place, alone, forces you to step out, forces you to do things you usually don’t. It makes you take initiative. Mom isn’t there to wash your clothes or make your bed or feed you or do groceries or anything. You have you, yourself and the people you meet. I’ve been trying and trying to grasp or put my finger on what it is that could, in one simple thought, describe studying abroad in its entirety and I just can’t.

I think the sites and images in your mind eventually disappear. Everything you saw, smelled and heard. All that fades away, hence why pictures are seen as so essential sometimes even though they never do the scene justice. But what doesn’t fade are the people. The people you meet abroad, whether local or other students, are literally growing as you are. The moments lived with them….will change you. Knowing all these people abroad and all over the US now, opens so many windows. Oh I’m in California, let me see what ______ is up to or hey I’m in Baltimore, I wonder if _______ wants to grab lunch or dinner. Even better, hey I’m going to visit ______ down in Charleston or the Cape for the weekend, ciao! I don’t know what you think but that’s awesome.

I mean, I’ve never been the type to get soft and sappy over things like this because people come and go in your life but this was different. It was so cliche and everyone saw it coming everyone knew it was going to happen. Millions of students that go abroad experience this but it happens anyways. I don’t know, maybe I am overdoing this but, who knows.

All I have to say is I’m more than grateful to have been given the opportunity to study abroad. More than grateful to have met the people I have met, do the things I’ve done and experienced what I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. And I promise you I’ll be back. AND you best believe I’m planning some type of reunion. Already have a standing agreement with some of the boys that if one of us makes it one day we’ll reunite and buy a place out in Tuscany and open a club in Florence and put all the others out of business. Haha….one day. Nonetheless, I’m almost at a loss for words becuase it hasn’t all happened  or set in yet. Maybe there will be a part II of this post. Anyways, thank you for reading.

Alla prossima.

Ciao

M

Tomatoes & Onions

A little piece of work I wrote senior year of high school for English Lang & Comp. AP.

 

 I am a tomato, and my problem is everyone else is an onion. I discovered this from observing the grown-ups when I was young. Whenever we went out to a restaurant or to the movies, I would notice things about their behavior around others. Grown-ups are so different, but oddly enough, they all seem to act the same way. Adults are onions, protected by a layer of skin so that no one could see who they really were. And I was an infant tomato, as fragile and new to the world as could be. The slightest touch left an imprint on my mind, whether it was an insinuation or an insult. So I started thinking about this situation.

            We are all born tomatoes. By age eleven, the change to onion-hood is already underway. That vibrant red skin starts to fade and thicken and lose its sweetness, turning into a sour, hard coating. The whole process is very subtle, and it is seldom thought about.  It begins with authority figures, any of the major influences in a child’s life: parents, friends, school, and television. In order to feel accepted by these figures, children have to adapt to certain rules. Girls try to be thin. Guys try to impress girls. Everyone tries to get the right answer at school. And if they fail to meet any of these criteria, they get embarrassed. This is the new  “red onion” phase, halfway between tomato-hood and onion-hood.

            However, soon enough, “kids” begin inventing ways to escape criticism. The girls can choose not to eat or they can pretend that they do not care.  The “guys” can choose to imitate someone famous or they can pretend that they hate girls. The students who usually get the right answers at school find ways to seem like they always get the right answers, and the “kids” who rarely get the right answers find ways to show that they do not care. This is the skin of the onion developing. And by the beginning of high school, the mature onion has formed. With time, its skin grows thicker. As that skin grows thicker the people lose themselves along the way. They lose their sense of authenticity and become what the world molds them to be, no longer “Made in USA”. Of course, there are some people that even realize that they are onions, but are hesitant to peel their skin for fear of losing their sense of security.

            Occasionally, I will catch myself onionizing, especially if something really bothers me. Beginning of my high school freshman year, I was scared that I would not make any friends so I convinced myself I was the loner type. Since I was going to a high school where none of my friends were going, I knew there was no way I would find others to somehow replace my old friends. For months, I refused to meet anybody because I had already decided that I would not get along with any new friend.  I felt awful, until I realized I had abandoned being a tomato. I could not avoid confronting it any longer. I knew that my fear was going to leave a bruise, but that was fine because it was better than covering up my problem. Once I opened up, I had an easier time meeting people than I would have ever imagined. That is the wonder of tomatoes.  “Tomatoes” never try to hide who we are or how we think and never take the easy way out.

            College a mix of tomatoes and onions, where one learns to question the status quo, seems like it would be the perfect place for a tomato living in an onion’s world. Yet I recognize that the challenging time will be to continue being a tomato– continue to discover. I will be confronting new ideas, new situations, along with new fears, and will have to assimilate these experiences without changing the fabric of my mind. I will have to keep my vision of the world fresh and open, and not succumb to the hardening of established ideas, or onionizing, which I see happening around me all the time.

            In the end, it is possible that tomatoes and onions do have something in common: a comfort in the usual way of doing things, a resistance towards change. The change in these next four years will be a novelty for me, as I explore new intellectual realms as my mind continues to mature — although I will never stop being a tomato, I hope that college will at least help me to ripen a bit.

 

Unfortunately it did not make the cut for my college essay in my applications.

As we grow up, …

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Stages of Life

Life’s a book bitch broad beach Journey.

It sucks, i don’t know of anyone who won’t agree to that at one point or another.

I got friends going through shit I’ve gone thru, legitimately. Hearing their stresses and worries, I’m tempted to put my 2 cents in. Those 2 cents that could make a hell of a difference, maybe like those last two cents you needed to make a dollar at the register. If someone had given them to you or when they did, if you had kept em. You’d be all set. But ya didn’t if nobody ever bothered.

I don’t refrain because I don’t care. I refrain because I guess, if you try and take that hope or dream that their fighting for or going through away, then what if you were wrong and it could’ve worked. What if just because it didn’t work in your experience it won’t with another’s? If you haven’t caught on by now I’m more specifically talking about women but I could apply it to a few others.

I’ve fucked up, had people fuck up with me and think I’m fucking up right now. But I don’t know and won’t know unless the risk is taken. The biggest worry is taking the risk and it not paying off because the other end isn’t there or your at a much farther point.

And when it rains, it fuckin pours. I’ve seen the strongest people in my life reduced to their knees. God and life has no mercy for the good bad ugly or blessed. Karma or no karma shit happens. And there’s no looking back and harping on it, do that when you’re alone with a good friend and shitfaced cus nobody else wants to hear or deal with your shit.

The only thing that matters is what you make of your future.

You can’t make your past, at least there’s no technology for that yet.

So until then use your bootstraps and keep movin, because time waits for no man.

I find myself in a weird stage in life. With so much on my plate. With things I want now, things I want then. Things I’m dealing with, things that burden me, things ive had to let go of, things I regret, and goals.

As someone who thought they knew what love was. I’ve been regretfully mistaken. It’s interesting because people that grow on you, is not love. Physical attraction is not love. There are many more things that are not love than those that are. So when does one know? No goddamn clue because I thought I did. So what does one do now? Keep walking until he walks into it or trips on it. Keep walking down that sidewalk or path. Who knows?

Lastly, I really wish I could be more honest and upfront with myself. For example if I like you or if I want to punch you in the throat for how much I hate you, I wish I could just tell you and you could be honest back and we could go from there. I feel like what people say is “consideration” or being “nice” is just you being a pussy. Because if someone comes up to you unprovoked and just says how they feel, they don’t want the run around they want the truth, no bullshit. But what stops me and I am afraid of, is the authenticity of the other persons response. And what I hate more is encrypted language and screwing around. It sucks and gets nothing accomplished.

Call it wisdom. Call it complaining. Call it terrible. Call it what you like but nobody forced you to read.

Note: All writers draw inspiration from their experiences so yes this in twitter language is like “sub-writing.”

Ta ta for now & buona notte.

10/4

Better late than never, but never late is better.

I take a moment this evening to let this blog continue. Update you a little about the things I been through.

 

I have brought too felines into my life, unfortunately left at home. They brought another dimension of caring into my life. Not of just material and familial ties but rather one of choice and complete unconditional care. Interesting. The collegiate journey has resumed. With the eventual goal of ultimately never having to do what those who have come before me have. I have, not yet officially, accomplished something I have put so much time, effort, and mental work into. This simple thing I’ve been doing my whole life, over these last few days has strangely made me realize a wealth of things. Things I had been told years ago, but finally make any practical sense at all.

Be all you can be.

Sounded so damn dumb….Yeah go out and do everything….”Okay you jackass” 

 

But its not dumb and its not go out and do everything. What I have developed it to mean to me is follow your ambitions until they lead to dead ends. Follow your every desire, ambition, and ideas until there is nothing else you can do to feel accomplished. Whether you succeed or fail is for most, never the outcome,  but the fact that you never gave in, never folded and did do all you could, is more than whoever failed.

By what I believe has only been luck alone and thanks to how I was raised, I have succeeded.

 

Always with so much to write but no idea how to formulate it. I sit in complete hypocrisy, philosophizing. I hate philosophizing people who do nothing but fuck up in life but somehow have all the words and wisdom. Yet they have no pot to piss in and no life long ambitions. 

 

In the end I only hope to change the lives of the people who I meet and make a difference. And maybe crack a joke or two in the meantime. Hope the true & few who read enjoy.

 

Please comment, add or shit on.

 

Cheers. 10/4

Words you will bring with you forever..

These wrote these quotes to myself senior year of high school and received them at the beginning of sophomore year in college.

 

Your glory walks hand in hand with your doom.
La tua gloria cammina mano a mano con la tua fine.

Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.
La morte sorride a uomo, l’unica cosa che può fare uomo e sorride indietro.

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
-Vittorio Alfieri